Don't be 'small'
I've been feeling a little bit frustrated. There has been all this amazing public commentary in support of being and raising, strong, confident women. Girl power, yeah! That we should love ourselves unconditionally, not be afraid to speak out or stand up for what we believe in. Yet along side this amazing feminist pep talk it feels like there is a stronger one telling us that we should be 'small'.
We need to be physically 'small'
Whether it's television, social media or magazines we are bombarded with images of flawless skin, and thin, hairless bodies. Thin is what is attractive and beautiful. Being body confident in the face of all this messaging can be really tough. Surveys have shown that girls stop doing things that they love, because they feel bad about the way they look. And when we don't meet these near impossible standards of beauty it can make us feel terrible, impact our mental health, lead to eating disorders and other destructive behaviours. In the words of author Bri Lee, it's hard to be a strong, confident woman when you are starving and self-loathing
We should keep our voices 'small'
We are told that a 'nice girl' is softly spoken and modest. The word for a loud, powerful or angry women, is 'shrill', It literally means 'not pleasant to hear, loud'. Conversely, a loud, powerful or angry man is assertive or confident.
Having opinions is okay but keep them in check - 'small'
Because strong minded women are a real turn off. Take the word “bossy”, which is mostly used to refer to opinionated girls or women who assert themselves. It's rarely used to describe boys or men, again they're just confident or assertive. The message women hear is that we shouldn't express strong opinions, and when we do, we are often shamed into silence. For example Hillary Clinton was repeatedly accused of “playing the gender card” whenever she dared open her mouth to condemn blatant sexism.
Ambitions should be 'small'
Ambitions, sure think big, have it all, but a 'good' daughter, wife, mother should be selfless. We should prioritise the needs of our children, husbands, bosses and families above our own. And if we do want to prioritise our own needs we should be quiet about it and fit it in around other 'higher' priorities. Remember the 1950s 'how to be a good wife' manuals? They wrote that a good wife treated her husband like a king, doesn't nag (because he might have had a hard day at work) and takes care of herself (because of course you have to look good for him). Things are changing but we are not equal yet, as studies continue to show that women do more of the household chores and child care - and the Covid pandemic really brought this gender equality gap to forefront attention again.
How can we change things for our girls?
1. We can make sure our dads are involved in sharing household chores and childcare.
2. We can avoid gender stereotypes e.g. clothing, activities, toys.
3. We can think about our language and not use words that are sexist or racist like 'don't be as weak as a girl', or excuse bad behaviour by saying 'boys will be boys'.
4. We can encourage our boys to have emotions and not say things like 'boys don't cry' or 'you're acting like a girl'.
5. We can be a positive role model eg. we can be an upstander not a bystander, and speak up when we sexist things happen. It may be difficult to confront someone but we can always make the target feel less alone, and get help if needed.
Okay, what does all of this have to do with self care? Well I think we should fight against 'small' and reclaim self care for ourselves! We can do this by:
1. Being kind to ourselves
2. Surrounding ourselves with supportive women and looking out for each other
3. Taking time out and giving ourselves permission to be angry, happy, cry or eat cake
4. Making time for what feeds our mind, body and soul whether that's meditation, exercise, spending time with friends or a favourite hobby.
L x