No shame

Shame, definition: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.

Shame lives in the shadows of everyday life, and most of us have experienced shame at some point. It’s that feeling that something is wrong with you. It’s different from feeling guilt about something e.g. I feel awful about eating too much, and more that something is wrong with you as a person, e.g. I am awful, I am fat. 

Feeling shame is often a response to stories we have told ourselves, that others have told to us, or stories from our community and culture. We experience shame when our reality doesn't match these stories.

Some common shame triggers for women are appearance and body image, motherhood and parenting, work, family, mental health, ageing, religion or a difficult childhood. 

For me, motherhood and my professional work identity have been a shame trigger. Since becoming a mother I don’t think there has been one moment where I haven’t worried about being a bad mother. When I am short tempered, not knowing better or having better parenting strategies, for not making healthy school lunches and wanting more out of life than being a mum. At work, I worry about my professional capability, that I'm not smart enough, educated enough, know enough, ambitious enough, and the list goes on.

I think it is really important to question and deal with our shame triggers, particularly as they can impact our mental health and wellbeing. How many of us have used food or alcohol to help us deal with feelings of shame? With this in mind I recently read ‘I thought it was just me (but it isn’t) by Brene Brown. The book looks at the quest for perfection and how we spend precious time and energy managing perceptions of ourselves, and creating carefully edited versions of ourselves. This is because everywhere we turn there are messages that tell us who, what and how we are suppose to be, so we learn to hide our real selves and struggles - our shame.

According to Brene Brown the antidote to shame is empathy. In her book she talks about the four elements of shame resilience: recognising shame and understanding our triggers; practising critical awareness (questioning our shame story); reaching out and telling our story; and speaking shame, shame survives on being hidden so talking about our shame to someone we trust can remove its power.

So the next time you feel shame, take the time to really think about how you are feeling and question the shame story you are telling yourself. I believe that by developing greater shame resilience we can have the freedom to be our true and authentic selves. This is important because we only get one life, just one, so we need to make the most of it.

Have a good week. L x

Want more information about shame and shame resilience:

Brene Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it’s not)

or

Google 'Brene Brown and shame', and listen to one of her many Ted Talks on this topic.